The Unicorn’s Cheese

2010-02-14 by Ritchie Thai with the help of Sydnie and Eryn Ho.

One day Gordon Salamander Irving was spying on his arch nemesis Irene Eelsworth Gills. They used to be partners, but one day Irene betrayed Gordon without warning.

They were on a covert mission to recover the secret secret of Gorilla Corp., an advertising company which made creative use of gorillas in all their advertising campaigns.

Gordon and Irene’s client, the president of Unicorn Incorporated, was worried that Gorilla Corp’s president still had the cheesy love letter he wrote her in second grade. Not only was it cheesy, it was also written in Cheese Whiz on a slice of cheese and wrapped in an envelope made out of cheese cloth, which is used for making cheese.

He wasn’t worried that she would reveal it to the public and embarrass him, because she had already done that. What he was worried about was the terrible smell this letter would have after all the years passed.

The smell would be strong enough to bring entire empires to their knees. Gordon and Irene were to recover the love letter made of cheese and seal it in an ultra strength impenetrable garbage bag designed by the world’s top scientists including Albert Einstein’s clone until they could develop the technology to throw this rotten piece of cheese into a black hole in space where Zorvar lived.

Zorvar was a giant talking alien lizard who befriended the president of Unicorn Incorporated when they were both still very young. They were the best of pals, but Zorvar is actually of no significance to this particular story.

Gordon and Irene needed a way to figure out where this cheese was located. They spent hours pondering this conundrum until Gordon’s stomach rumbled. He looked into the fridge where he saw a tiny mouse nibbling on the cheese he was planning on saving for later. At first he was furious at this mouse, but he then realized that if this mouse could get inside the fridge and locate this cheese, perhaps it could find the cheesy love letter.

Irene helped Gordon capture the mouse, and they proceeded to place a tracking device on it. The three of them drove to Gorilla Corp’s headquarters, though the mouse had trouble following the directions on its tiny GPS, seeing how it was unable to comprehend human language.

The two spies wished the mouse good luck then let it loose into the tall advertising building. They waited several hours, sipping Free Trade coffee in the Starbucks within Gorilla Corp’s building, when a woman, the vice president of Gorilla Corp approached Irene. The two spies sweated like ducks in a pond whose water had been heated by water proof fire.

Had they been caught? Gordon did not understand how that could be at all possible. Their disguises were perfect. Gordon’s scratches his comedicly large fake moustache, which he wore on top of his real moustache, while Irene dabbed the sweat off her nose with a napkin.

“Hello, Irene, how are you doing?” the vice president said.

“Oh, fine fine,” Irene replied.

“Thank you very much for the cat you bought me yesterday. The pet store won’t let me back ever since I kicked the hamsters off their wheels and used it as a treadmill.”

“Hehehe,” Irene giggled nervously.

The vice president then walked away, and Gordon was relieved. But why would Irene buy the vice president a cat? Wait! A cat? They had just set a mouse loose in the building. Despite the mouse’s extensive spy training, it was no match for a cat.

“Irene!” Gordon cried, “Why?”

“I’m sorry Gordon. This has nothing to do with you.”

She then ran off into the crowded streets. Gordon sat there confused, and later reunited with a physically broken mouse, but one whose spirit could never be shattered.

And now, Gordon Salamander Irving sat in that same Starbucks, months later, with a newspaper in front of his face. There were holes in the newspaper where his eyes were, of course, allowing him to spy on Irene.

“Your little trick may fool more ignorant women, Salamander, but not me. I was your partner, remember?”

“Of course,” Gordon said, putting down the paper to speak to Irene face to face, “You were one of the best.”

“I still am,” Irene asserted, “but those days are behind me now.”

“I can’t believe that for all these years you’ve been two people at once. Both the president of Gorilla Corp and my fellow spy.”

“How long have you known?” Irene questioned.

“Ever since the president of Unicorn Incorporated told me that the president of Gorilla Corp had an incredible mouse circus when she was young.”

“Did you tell the president, Salamander?”

“I was torn. Keep my integrity as a spy, or our trust, despite your betrayal?”

Irene said nothing.

“The president does not know, Irene.”

“Good,” Irene said, “because that piece of cheese is bigger than you, the president, or anyone realizes.”

“He said its smell would bring empires to their knees.”

“No, Salamander. The president doesn’t understand, and he never will. Come with me.”

Irene Eelsworth Gills grabbed Gordon Salamander Irving by the hand and ran to the basement of the building, where she removed a tile on the floor. Then and there, Gordon saw something that he would never forget for the rest of his life.

The End....?